seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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