She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
