i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
