Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
