If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
