When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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