He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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