Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
