It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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