i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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