just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
