In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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