I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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