i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i will never coherently bang her
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
