i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
