I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
