One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
