on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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