I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
