You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
