I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
