my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
