the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
