Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Still dying that you shit outside
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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