Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
