Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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