Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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