i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
