Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
