Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
