I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
