He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
