I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I need moral support for this bender
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
