Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How naked do you want me to be?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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