i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
