Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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