Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
No subtext here. People are naked.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
