I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
