I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
