How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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