i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
