its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
