By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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