i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
