Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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