found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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