He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
