I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
