i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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