Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
